


I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else

by protect_rosie



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 03:37:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3554621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protect_rosie/pseuds/protect_rosie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when the person you're married to doesn't seem to want you, what else are you supposed to do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else

**Author's Note:**

> title from In This Moment's _Blood_ on their album, _Blood_. 
> 
> unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> also, in this universe, Adam is 30, Michael is 20, and Chris Carpenter is 34 and still hasn't retired.

He didn’t love him, didn’t like him, didn’t feel much for him. Michael had only married the guy because he gave him money and got him laid a couple of times a year, which was really all he needed. Adam never asked Michael to go see him pitch, which is why it came as a bit of a surprise when he did one day. He had already made plans to go shopping with one of his friends, so of course he was mad when Adam insisted that he went to the park.

“Come on, I’ll buy you that watch that you wanted. I just want you to come tonight because I feel like something special is going to happen today,” Adam had said. 

Michael agreed right away, because of fucking course he wanted that watch. He’d been wanting it since he saw it when they went to the mall after their anniversary dinner, which by the way, had been hell for him. Adam kept staring at him with those stupid lovey-dovey eyes that annoyed the shit out of him, kept touching his hand even after Michael had made it clear that he didn’t want Adam touching him in public - there was no reason for the people around them to know their business.

Michael almost yelled out loud when he found out that he was going to be seated next to the rest of the wives. They were nice and all, but they always asked too many questions about what Adam was like off the field, even though they knew perfectly well (many had known him long before Adam met Michael). It annoyed him to no end, but he knew that if he made a spectacle, there would be no watch for him later.

The game progressed along well, and frankly, Michael would have enjoyed himself more if the Cardinals were playing the Phillies (he found Jonathan Papelbon extremely attractive). By the top of the eighth inning, he began to get bored - he liked baseball, he enjoyed watching it, but he didn’t really care for his husband’s pitching. He excused himself and went to get a drink. At the bar, he saw this really cute guy and immediately started flirting with him. Thankfully, the guy had no idea who he was (and if he did, he was thankful that he didn’t mention anything about who he was married to). 

The cheering became increasingly loud, which caused Michael to look up at the tv screen, there was one out in the top of the ninth inning. Michael groaned, then told the guy he had to leave because the game was almost over. He waved at him and then was gone. By the time he made it to his seat, everybody seemed to be cheering, the stadium extremely loud. He was really confused until one of the wives - Alyson Carpenter - cleared it up for him.

“He just threw a perfect game!” she says happily, jumping up and down as she grabs him by the shoulders. “Do you know what that means? Nobody reached base, they didn’t even get the chance. He was perfect!”

“Oh yay,” Michael says with mock enthusiasm. “So that means we can go home now, right?”

“Are you kidding? You’re going to have to go down there, then go out and celebrate because you’re probably going to be the designated driver.”

“Oh god, what? Are you serious? I had pl-”

Before he had the chance to finish his sentence, someone started interviewing his husband. 

“So, Adam, tell us how you feel?”

“I feel great, still a bit shaky because I’d never had a night like this in my life. Just so thankful that I get to share this moment with everyone here,” Adam says, breathing heavily. “Especially my significant other.”

“Oh, I bet Mrs. Wainwright is as thrilled as everyone here,” the reporter says. “Why don’t you invite her down here?”

“It’s a him, but yeah, honey, come down here.”

 _Oh god, why is he making me do this?_ Michael thinks. He does not even get the chance to think something else before someone is ushering him to the field. He doesn’t even want to be here and he’s already being forced to act like a good husband.

“And there he comes,” Adam says. 

“How are you feeling, Mr. Wainwright?” the reporter asks.

“Well, what can I say?” Michael replies, racking his head for something that’s going to make him sound like he was paying attention. “I am so proud of Adam, and I couldn’t have asked for a better night for him. He just pitched outstanding and for that I am thankful.”

“Why didn’t we see you in the stands for the eighth and ninth innings?”

“Because I began to get so nervous that I didn’t think I could keep watching. I went to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to throw up,” he then laughs, convincingly enough because Adam and the reporter do too.

Adam wraps an arm around Michael, and Michael almost punches Adam because he’s told him countless times _not_ to touch him in public, but he doesn’t. He decides to let it slide this time, but he sure as hell will tell Adam about it when they’re alone again. The interview goes on for a few more minutes, and it seems like each passing minute, Adam’s arm gets tighter around Michael. They all go inside the clubhouse and the guys hurry to shower - they’re definitely celebrating tonight; their ace just threw a perfect game!

Adam hands Michael the keys before six guys pile into his car, “Take us to the nearest bar, please,” he says and then proceeds to get into the passenger seat.

 _I guess that means I'm supposed to drive_ , he thinks as he’s walking around to get into the driver’s seat. 

The night goes quickly and without a hint of regret. Michael is forced to drive the rest of the guys home - the wives decided to let the guys have a night out without them, they would get their lunch with the team the next day. And after about an hour of driving the guys to their homes, it’s finally time to get to _their_ house. 

Adam can’t seem to keep his hands off Michael as Michael is trying to unlock their front door. He’s running his hands up and down Michael’s sides and whispering “come on, baby, I just pitched a perfect game.”

“Fuck off, alright?” Michael snaps once they’re inside. “It seems like you forgot about our rule - _absolutely no touching in public_. You were all over me, what the fuck?”

“What the hell is your problem?” Adam asks, sounding surprisingly sober. “You’re my husband and I can’t even wrap my arm around you on one of the happiest days of my life? That’s fucking awesome.”

“A rule is a rule, Adam, you can’t just fucking break it whenever the fuck you please.”

“I was wrapping my _arm_ around you, it’s not like we were fucking makin’ out on the park bench or somethin’. What’s your problem with me touching you in public anyway? I never got that. _Why_ won’t you allow me to hug you - at least - in public? Do I embarrass you or what? I mean, I think that I’ve been pretty understanding our whole marriage, but I’m fucking done understanding. Please, just tell me why.”

“No,” Michael says. “I just don’t want you touching me in public. There’s no reason why people should have to see that.”

“Since when do you fucking care about what people think of you? I mean, for fuck’s sake, you married someone _ten_ years older than you and you didn’t care what people said then. What’s changed?”

“Nothing’s changed, Adam, nothing’s changed. I just don’t _like_ it when you touch me in public. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

“You know what? Fine,” Adam finally says. “If you don’t want me to touch you in public, then don’t expect me to touch you in private either. From now on, we’re only staying married for appearances, because there’s no way in hell I’m getting divorced before I’m even 35. Do what you fucking please.”

“You’re going to divorce me?”

“Not right now, I’m not. Did you not hear me? I’m not getting divorced before I’m 35.”

“This isn’t fair,” Michael says, approaching Adam. “What am I going to do when you leave me?”

“Should’ve thought about it before you married me without love.”

“But I do l-”

“Save it,” Adam says, holding up his left hand. “You can continue sleeping in our room and I’ll sleep in the guest room. We’re playing the Braves next week and you can stay home then.. No, you’re _going_ to stay home then. You can go visit your parents after or whatever it is that you want to do. I’m not bringing you on any road trips anymore.”

“Why are you doing this?”

Adam puts his hand down then and makes no attempt at answering Michael’s question. Instead, he makes his way up the stairs and into the guest room. For a second, Michael contemplates on going after Adam, but decides against it. He’s going to let Adam cool off, then apologize to him, and blow him after. That’s probably all it’s going to take for Adam to forgive him. That’s _if_ he even remembers tomorrow.

Thing is, Adam does remember, he does remember the next day. He usually wakes Michael up before he leaves to the park, but doesn’t this morning. He tries to be as quiet as he can as he’s getting ready to go to the ballpark.

Michael wakes up around one in the afternoon, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes and calling for Adam. Adam doesn’t come, however, because he’s still at the park, but Michael doesn’t know that. He gets out of bed eventually and looks for Adam all around the house before he thinks of calling him. He doesn’t answer. 

Whatever.

It’s midnight when Adam finally comes home. Michael’s watching tv when Adam stumbles into their house. And for a second, he thinks he’s going to get the usual kiss on the back of the head, but he doesn’t, doesn’t even get as much as a hello, even. Instead, he goes up the stairs and goes into his room once again.

When they arrive in Georgia, Adam excuses them from the team and takes Michael home. He doesn’t say anything to him then and leaves after helping him get settled in. What Michael once thought to be a good thing, is turning out to be the opposite. He didn’t like it when Adam touched in public, yes, but he enjoyed it a lot when they were alone. He loved the way Adam’s hand lingered a bit too long around his shoulders, the way they would trail down his sides and end up around his hips. He loved it when Adam looked him in the eyes when they would get intimate - it made him feel desired. All that had left after that stupid fight they’d had. 

Since Adam hadn’t invited him to the day’s game, he decided to watch it on tv. Adam wasn’t pitching that game so he was standing, leaning over the railing along with several of his teammates, particularly close to a new guy, which made Michael’s blood boil with jealousy. _What the fuck?_ , he thinks, _he has the right to stand next to whoever he wants_. It seems that something Adam’s teammate made Adam laugh because he’s slinging an arm around him, and the guy doesn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, it seems he’s enjoying it because he also has an arm around him. 

Michael’s had enough when the camera shows them again, still laughing, so he turns the tv off and trudges up the stairs and into his room - _their_ room. He looks around and has a wrenching feeling in his chest when the thought of them getting a divorce comes into his mind. 

Does he really not like Adam as much as he thought when they first got married? Does he like him now - love him even? Why was he so jealous when the camera showed him interacting with someone else? He didn’t like Adam touching him in public, so he didn’t have the right to be jealous, right?

Michael didn’t have the answers to any of those questions, he needed to find them out, but not now. Now, what he needed to do, was to apologize to Adam, for being so mean and cruel and cold during their entire marriage. He was never taught - if the correct way to love someone could be taught - how to be a good husband. He knew he had to apologize, as soon as he could, so he decided to call Adam, hoping that he would pick up.

Surprised when Adam did pick up, Michael utters a simple, but quiet ‘hello.’

“What do you want?” Adam asks, sounding busy. “I’m in the middle of something so I’d appreciate it if you’d hurry.”

“I.. you.. I just wanted to know when you’re coming home,” he asks. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Can’t you just tell me know?”

“No, I’d like it better if you were here.”

“Well, I don’t know when I’ll be coming home. I was thinking of going out with the guys.”

“Please Adam? Could you just please come home, it’s something really important.”

“Fine,” Adam sighs. “Just give me thirty minutes and I’ll be home.” 

Michael smiles and tosses his phone on the couch after Adam hangs up. He goes to his closet, in order to pick up the outfit he was wearing when he and Adam first met, he hasn’t worn it since then so he thinks it’d be a nice surprise for his husband.

Adam doesn’t come home that night, however. He doesn’t call or text or communicate with Michael at all until he comes home again when the season is over - after the Cardinals had lost to the Red Sox in game six of the World Series. Michael thinks he deserves it a first (because he thinks he’s made Adam miserable during their five years of marriage by not allowing Adam to touch him in public and by being so distant at times). 

He’s surprised when his husband comes home, with a look that he’d seen before, the look he wore when they first met. Adam was thinner than the last time Michael had seen him, about ten pounds lighter; it was such a good look for him. 

“Welcome home,” Michael says, opening his arms as if to invite Adam in for a hug. “I missed you.”

“Uh, yeah,” Adam says, awkwardly giving Michael a one armed hug. “Same here.”

“I was just about to have dinner, I didn’t know you were coming or else I would’ve set your place. Do you want to join me?”

“Uh, no thanks, I ate before I flew down here. Right now I just want to shower and go to sleep.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll go clean the room up a bit.”

“No, you don’t have to do that. I’ll take care of it myself.”

“Are you sure?” Michael asks before he gets the feeling that Adam is hiding something. “I can do that for you while you’re showering. It’s no problem at all and it’s the least I can do right now.”

“Okay fine,” Adam says when he finally gives in. “Oh, uh, Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s go out tomorrow, yeah? We can go out to dinner, then a movie, or the other way around. Sound good?”

“Yes, that sounds perfect.”

Michael follows Adam up the stairs and into the guest room (which Michael thinks he should start calling Adam’s room since the two of them haven’t slept together in months). Adam smiles at Michael before he disappears into the bathroom. He leaves the door slightly open when he showers. As Michael is preparing Adam’s bed for him, he hears that Adam’s phone rings. 

“What the fuck?” Adam asks, trying to whisper, but Adam’s never been the one to whisper. “I told you not to call me anymore. I’m back home and I can’t run the risk of my husband hearing me.”

Michael’s stomach drops - what in the world did Adam mean by that? Why didn’t he want Michael hearing it? Before he had the chance to do anything else, he heard his husband speak up again, so he made his way to the bathroom, stopping right behind the door.

“What we had is over now,” Adam says, and it’s then when Michael decides he can’t take it anymore, so he goes inside, careful to not make a sound. “We may’ve had a fling, but that’s over now. You’ve got to understand that we can’t have anything going on anymore and-” Adam turns around as he’s trying to finish the sentence. “I’ve got to go.”

Suddenly, the answers to all of Michael’s questions became clear. He had only tricked himself into thinking that he didn’t like or love Adam because he was afraid of getting hurt, afraid of ending up like his parents. He didn’t want Adam touching him in public because he was afraid of other people thinking it was okay for them to do that, that Adam would think it’s okay for him to do that to other people. It’s such a fucked up way of thinking, he knows, but he can’t help himself. 

“It’s okay,” Michael says quietly, his voice cracks a bit. “I was just leaving anyway. If you need anything, I’ll be... I’ll be, well, you know where I’ll be. Goodnight.”

He hears Adam call after him, but still, he doesn’t look back; he can’t because he knows if he does, he’ll break down. Instead, he hurries to his room and locks himself inside. His head starts to spin and he almost forgets how to breathe until he gets this constricting feeling in his chest that reminds him to take some air in. He sits on the bed and stares straight ahead, hands in his lap. He’s numb and he doesn’t know how long this feeling will last. 

Michael supposes he deserved something, some sort of disappointment, for marrying Adam without loving him, but he doesn’t think he deserved something like this. He flirted with plenty of people, but it never got to the point where he _had sex_ with them; though he didn’t think he loved Adam, he would never even dream of doing something like that to him. He’s changed though, now he knows he loves Adam, and that he would do anything for him. 

Michael doesn’t sleep much that night - only sleeps about an hour - so it surprises Adam when he sees him in the kitchen, making breakfast. He smiles at what he’s seeing - Michael is dressed in navy blue shorts and a worn out red shirt that belongs to Adam. He’s looking out the window as he’s stirring the eggs, and only stops to breathe. 

“Good morning,” Adam says, startling Michael a bit, but still, he doesn’t look back. “How are you?”

“Makin’ us breakfast,” he replies, sounding distant. “Was gonna go out today, but don’t feel like doin’ much anymore.”

“Listen, I-”

“Not now Adam. ‘m too tired to do anything, but have breakfast up in my room.”

“Why don’t you have breakfast down here with me?”

“Are you serious?” Michael asks, shutting the stove off and turning to look at Adam. “You’re going to have to give me a couple of days for me to be able to do anything with you again.”

“Oh, so now _I'm_ the bad guy? That’s fucking wonderful, considering the fact that _this_ is all _your_ fault. _You_ were the one that pushed me away, the one that made me feel alone and unwanted. _You_ were the one that pushed me into someone else’s arms. I cannot fucking believe you’re blaming _me_ for this now. Fuck you.”

“No, fuck _you_. I’m probably going to regret telling you this later, but it has to be said, because I am done with your bullshit. When I married you, I didn’t love you. For the early part of our marriage, I didn’t think I would ever love you, I didn’t want to love you. I was so afraid, so scared that our marriage would end up like my parents’. Oh my god, I was so busy trying to make sure that I didn’t turn into my mom that I actually turned into my dad. He never would allow my mom to touch him in public, because it wasn’t something that people with ‘class’ did, whatever the fuck that meant. I’m always going to regret being like that with you, always going to regret not showing _us_ off. But see, I’ve made so many mistakes, so many, I didn’t think I would ever stop. I would _never_ do what you did to me though, _never_ , because my parents may have not been the best, but they didn’t raise me like that, so fuck _you_.”

Michael doesn’t realize he’s crying until Adam’s in front of him, wiping under his eyes. He almost pushes Adam off him when Adam wraps his arms around Michael, but by this point, he’s too hurt to do anything. 

“Please don’t cry,” Adam says as he rubs Michael’s back comfortingly. “I know I fucked up really bad, but I didn’t know what else to do. Whenever I speak to James, he’s always telling me that you only married me because of my money. I didn’t believe him at first, but then we had that stupid fight, and all he’d ever said to me made sense. I know it was really stupid of me to believe him, because you would never do something like that. I don’t ever want to see you cry again. I would do anything to never see you cry because of something stupid that I did, I’d even give my life.”

“I.. I just don’t understand why you would do something like that to me. I mean, I know that I was cold and shit, but when we were alone, we had an amazing time together. I loved you so much, I loved you in my own way and I think I’ll love you in my own way for the rest of my life. I thought that when we got married, that you would understand me.”

“I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to you, but I promise you that I’ll also spend the rest of my life making it up to you for it,” Adam says before placing a kiss on Michael’s forehead. “I promise that one day, you’ll look at me and say ‘yeah, I’m really glad that I married him.’”

“I just hope you’re right, because you fucked up royally.”

“I know, babe, I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated!!
> 
> looking for a beta, since I tend to make quite a few mistakes. if you're interested you can reach me on tumblr: protect-rosie.tumblr.com or on twitter: @protect_rosie
> 
> thanks for reading!!


End file.
